I have been going through a rough patch here lately and stopped blogging for a few weeks. What's the deal-ee-oh?...well the story goes a little something like this ~
Has life ever thrown you a curve ball? Something happens that you would never expect. I guess that's the whole point of calling the "unexpected" a curve ball...huh? Well life threw me a SUPER DUPER CURVE BALL with a note attached: SURPRISE! ~ Heeeeere's Daddy!
My father whom I have not seen since the age of 2 yrs. old, after what he says has been an exhausting search has found me. Where as I should have been slightly elated about this I was not. One of the reasons being is because since I can remember, all I ever heard were negative things about my father from my mother, and other relatives close to me. These comments were so heavily ingrained in my mind that by the time I was old enough to decide if I wanted to look for my father...I didn't. I really had no desire in knowing him and have never felt a true "absence", because I grew up with 2 male cousins, a grandfather and 3 uncles who took on the image of a "father figure" gracefully. However, the man that I spoke with on the phone does not come close to the description projected by my family. This man claiming to be my father is educated, well-spoken, seems to be sincere, and really an all around well-rounded individual. This has me quite baffled to say the least. Since speaking with my father on the phone three weeks ago I've gone from feelings of utter shock, to anger and sheer depression. Other than the sudden death of my Mom 11yrs. ago, nothing has rocked my entire being to the point of uneasiness, until now.
I have spoken with my father about 4 times since our initial conversation. At the end of each phone call my estranged father of 30 something years says a very endearing "I love you." Wow!...how do I ever respond to this? What do I say to him? I'm trying to give him a chance, although this situation is a little forced and uncomfortable for me. The thing is I don't love him, at least not yet. On the real!...I don't even know him, or trust him so how can I possibly love him.? I know in my heart that if a relationship is to develop the past will have to stay in the past and we will have to begin building in the present. However, before I can move on there are some hard questions that need to be asked and I need time to digest the answers.
My husband and I decided that we as a family will go visit and meet my father for the first time Memorial Day weekend. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm very good at reminding others to "go with the flow" and to "live in the now." However, I will just as quickly admit doing so is easier said than done. As I come to terms with the curve ball life has thrown my way the prayer below will follow me on this journey as I get to know the man who is my father:
Errors are merely the stepping stones to the path of righteousness. We will not know what is right before we know what is wrong. Knowing what is wrong can be obtained by learning from other/s or experiencing it ourselves. This is the spiritual generosity empowered by Love, and this in return will empower our loved ones to live righteously the next time. At the same time being generous in love will make us more like Christ, and spiritually stronger and closer to God...Amen